i had this weird dream

a couple nights ago, about this girl i haven't seen for a couple years. it was weird cause me and her were never friends. In the dream she invited me and my girlfriend(in the dream) up to her house to look at photo's taken by this modeling company that was offering her a contract or something. In the dream pornographic pictures kept falling out of the portfolio, but she didn't even notice that they were in it. Also in the dream she had a hot female black roomate who kept making lewd comments about the pornographic pictures. In the dream they were both stewardess working for air canada or west jet or something but they were also trying to make it as models. Then in the dream i woke up, and six months went by, and then (in the dream) the exact same thing happened, except i remembered in the dream thinking that i'd dreamed this before. the only difference was that in the second dream the TV was on, and there was this Budweiser commercial where the beers are playing volleyball with some professional volleyball team and then the Budweiser beer team (comprised of bud light and bud regular) beat the professionals with a spike. and then the commercial shows the Budweiser beers walking away acting all cool, but then when they get far away they start high fiving each other and then the commercial is over.

yeh. pretty messed up i know.

state of the mind

God is not real
God is real
God is real and he doesn't care about me
God is real and he doesn't care about us
God is not real
God can't be real it doesn't make sense
God must be real it doesn't make sense
God is real
God might be real
God is real and he doesn't care about us

God might be real
what does it matter if it doesn't affect how i live anyways?

Time for a change

I had a realisation this morning.... when ever I get down or depressed it’s because I have these rosy expectations on life that life never seems to live up to. I expect that everything will just turn out ok in the end, I believe that there will always be someone there to bail me out, or help me up off of my feet. I think that surely there must be someone out there who will lift me back up, and that life will continue on happily ever after. I place these expectations upon my friends, my family, some fantasy girl that will love me unconditionally. Mostly I place these expectations upon God, or reality as I know it.

I have since come to realise, that it is these expectations that lead me astray in the first place. Life will not get better unless I force it to. Unless I grab the rope and pull myself out of the pit no one else will. There is no happy ending unless we make it. God does not have a plan for my life except what I take from life by force. Other people can not be there for me because they are too caught up and mixed up in there own life, and there own problems. They, like me, are too self absorbed to see beyond the shadows of there own forest. Perhaps maybe we might be able to fight life side by side, if we find each other on the battlefield, but I can never fight your fight for you, and you can never my fight enemies for me. Life is a path we must always take on our own. Along the way, yes we may find those who can show us an easier path, or those who can help us in our times of need, but we can never come to rely upon them, for they have there own battles to fight, and there own trails to blaze. In your time of need, there is never any guarantee that someone will be there to help you. So then you, or we, are better of to become strong on our own, and take help when it presents itself, but to never ever expect it to come along, and to never wait for it. For when you waste your time waiting for it, is when it will never come.

If you succeed at life, you may have only luck to thank, and perhaps the help of others, but you will owe no one anything, because it is not they who made the path for you. They were to busy trying to make a path for themselves. Even if your success was a mixture of luck and the help of others, you can take comfort of the fact, that while you may not deserve it, that no one else really deserves it either. And if you fail at your endeavours, you can take comfort in the fact that you did not spend your entire journey sitting along the path waiting for life to pick you up and carry you to the finish line. Strive for what you want, fight for what you believe in, because no one else will do it for you.

confessions

you know
I'm not really a christian, i don't think i have been for close to 2 years, or maybe more like a year and a half... i started losing my faith somewhere around 4rth year of bible school, but it never really dawned on me that i just don't buy the whole system anymore until after i graduated. I wanted so hard to believe, but no matter how much i tried, how hard i prayed, too many things just didn't make sense to me. I have a mind where i can't force myself to believe things that don't make sense to me forever. Although i tried. I certianly gave this one a long go. I think i still believe in God 96% of the time, i'm just not convinced that the bible is very accurate, or the church is very holy (or even very good and helpful), or that God really cares very much about what he created.

You know, for the most part, i'm actually much happier with out this burden of faith. No longer does my life seem like some ridiculously long string of lessons that i never wanted to learn. sometimes bad stuff just happens and there is no lesson to learn. other times its our own fault and we'd better learn that lesson or we'll repeat it.

the only weird thing is that I occasinally feel like fate is still guiding my life. but i don't mean in the mushy christian sentimental way. More like the inevitable viking way. I moved down to abbotsford because i felt like God wanted me to. Although now the 2 reasons i moved down seem to have not worked out very well. Still, i'm glad to be down. I feel that for the time being... life... generally is going my way... despite many obsticles i've had.

the truth is i've kept this secret for so long, simply because i was in love with a christian girl. she doesn't love me, but thats not the point. I've never really believed that she ever would... thats not the point either. The point is, i still believed in my head that as long as she didn't know, there was always that minute possiblity of fate or divine intervention. Although, the truth is always better. Its just not easier. I'm probably only confessing now, cause i don't feel anything for her anymore. I don't really want to have that 'talk' with all my christian friends. I'm not interested in having prayer sessions with them. I don't want to be invited to your silly church services. I just want to live my life - if god wants me back, he'll come find me... like that parable of the shepherd who goes after the 1 out of 99. Although, to be honest, i've never seen it happen, not in church and not in real life. Good story though, full of moral fibre.
anyways got to go.
Z

i guess i wanna tell you all about my summer and whats going on, or more appropriately what isnt' going on.

I had a pretty ok summer. I worked weekends all summer and steadily developed a passionate dislike for my job, but i really appriciated te 4 days off during the week, that allowed me to go down and visit my brother and actually spend some time and make it to the beach this summer.

So i was dating this girl named Mandy for the past 6 weeks or so. I say was cause i sorta ended it on friday. It didn't really end so much as fizzle. Pretty much i started to be my boring unmotivated self and our relationship as a consequence became boring. its kind of annoying though, cause she's still like my best friend in town and my favorite person to spend time with, even though we have practically nothing in common. except we both like the same kinds of books (fantasy scifi) and we both like the similar tv shows (actually, just firefly as far as i know). I think my mom is in shock about us spliting up, i think she was just starting to get used to the idea.

i got laid off a week ago, and its been nice not having to work this weekend, although to be honest i kinda don't have any clue what to do with myself, because usually i spend all my time with mandy and now that we aren't dating AND i'm not working, i have alot of free time and not much of a clue as what to do. plus my other friend went off to go firefighting, and i really really didn't feel like droping everything to go do that.

i've applied for EI and am going to try to get them to pay for me to take a Heavy Equipment Operators course. I figure if i want to go back to school that would be a good way for me to pay for my schooling during hte summer, since operators are in higher demand than just plain labourers, plus i would find the job less shitty than being that 'dude with a shovel'. And if i don't go back to school it woudl be a good way to pay of some student loans until i can get the pilot thing going, or goto the airforce or whatever.

I'm still waiting on the airforce to give me my security clearance, but its kind of annoying, cause in truth i dont' really agree with canada's continued pressence and mission in afganistan, and quite frankly i dont' want to get killed by suicide bombers or american 'friendly' fire, so thats a little sketchy.

but what is reallycool, is my moms boyfriend has a friend who owns a plane, and that friend took me up in his plane for like an hour long flying lesson, and i got to take off the plane and do some turns and it was friggin rad man. friggin awesome. plus we spent an hour on the ground where he showed me what all the different buttons are for and what all the different parts of the plane do, and stuff, and it was neato. so i feel really blessed about that and the time i spent up in the air really just confirmed for me that what i really want to do is be a pilot. If i could get EI to pay for my pilots liscence that would be friggin awesome, but i'm pretty sure they only pay for shorter courses that force you to go work in the oil patch and be miserable.

anyways, long time no update.
i'm thinking of going to the coast to visit my brother this week, to get away from bland forks for a while.

Zenon buddy, them's good times!

I had a dream last night — this is pretty unusual in itself although I don't really remember much of it — in which Zenon apparently had moved to Calgary and I think he was even working in the call centre where I do, or at least he was visiting me there.

We were chatting away with someone else we went to highschool with (Blaine maybe, I don't remember) and contemplating the new elevator that was installed next to my desk. It was an old-fashioned brass manual elevator, presumably complete with the guy who asks you which floor you want to go to! :-D

You see, the building only has one floor and no basement really. We were speculating that perhaps the elevator went to other places, worlds, or dimensions. That would be cool.

"I'd like to go to Jamaica please." Or maybe, "I think I'll go to the Bookcase Dimension to pick up some nice shelving. Oooh, maybe you should let me off at Ikea first, in case they've got something in a modular CD rack."

That's right, I'd take a magic elevator to Ikea.

Anyway, Zenon, my point is that you should come visit Calgary, 'cause 'member last time you visited and we went dimension-hopping in the magic elevator? That was awesome!

i won't be there

as usual, there are so many deep things i could say that i've been thinking about, but the truth is i still just don't have the energy to put them down on page, so that they(the words) could do justice to the thought. I think college has ruined me for deep thought. after being forced to consume books, and spit out papers for so long, its become impossible for me to write or read without it feeling like work. Even thinking has lost some of its joy for me. Before college i would sit up all night, or spend a whole day just pondering some lofty subject, just thinking... why? because i enjoyed it. now, if it isn't mindless, or at least non-intellectual, i really have a hard time enjoying it at all. i keep thinking this is going to pass, after all its been a year since college, my mind must recover soon right? but still whenever i start to have a meaningfull or deep thought for more than like 10 minutes at a time, my mind will push it aside and say "maybe some other time" or "i'll save that for later" which of course really means... i'll probably never think of this again, and if i do, i'll just procrastinate it some more. yes sir.

i bought a motorbike. not a new one, but new to me. its an 82 yamaha 750 maxim. its in pretty much perfect shape, and i got it for 2 grand. i'm enjoying myselfand the bike ALOT, in the week i've had it i've already put about 4 or 5 hundred Km on it. It has NO wind protection, or fairings, which makes it tiring to ride at high speeds. Riding a street bike of course is much different than my experience on dirt bikes, especailly a 750 old school cruiser style bike. I like it alot, i think though, if i have a next bike it will be something that sticks to the corners better, and has more wind protection.

I'm sick of grand forks. I'm sick of pope and talbot. My student loans while still large, are smaller and no longer quite as overwhelming. There fore i have decided to start pursueing other career options. by this i mean i'm going to continue working and living here, but hopefully will have the motivation to look for a real job that i will actually enjoy doing for the rest of my life. i'm still hoping ot get into the airforce, but my application has been indefinately delayed, due to the fact that i left the country once :S

also my close buddy derek is moving out of town next week, which helped bring me to the sudden realisation that i need to get out of here soon.

i need a female companion.... (a girlfriend)

thats it, i'm done, i won't say anymore.

my life right now

so on my days off , i work out usually 2 times in a week, play baseball 2 times and go out for wings like 1 or 2 or 3 times... LOL.... its a pretty simple life, but i quite like it honestly.
i'm even starting to NOT HATE work... although like would be a stretch.
yup, i quite like my life, its not perfect, and there are probably like a ton of things i would change if i could, but none the less i am happy with life in general.

our ballgames got rained out this week, and i haven't been for wings yet so i'm pretty bored... although i've been to the gym 3 times now which is more than usual. basically, the weather sucks... when the weather sucks i don't get out and do stuff. meh, c'est la vie, or however they spell it. but i'm going out for wings tonight. and i think next week i'm buying a motor cycle... woot.
so thast my lame (i guess) but ultimately kinda satisfying life right now.

Student Loan Counter

Original Debt
Canada Student loan $28,378.69
BC Student Loan $11,220.00
Student Line of Credit $5,500.00
National CIBC student loan $1,630.00
BC CIBC student loan $1,190.00
Total = $47,918.69


Current Debt
Canada Student loan $26,322.90
BC student Loan $7665.14
Total = $33,988.04

Total Debt paid off not including intrest = $13,930.65

how do you pick up the threads of an old life?
how do you go on?
when in your heart
you begin to understand
there is no going back
there are some things that time cannot mend
some hurts that go too deep
that have taken hold