confessions
you know
I'm not really a christian, i don't think i have been for close to 2 years, or maybe more like a year and a half... i started losing my faith somewhere around 4rth year of bible school, but it never really dawned on me that i just don't buy the whole system anymore until after i graduated. I wanted so hard to believe, but no matter how much i tried, how hard i prayed, too many things just didn't make sense to me. I have a mind where i can't force myself to believe things that don't make sense to me forever. Although i tried. I certianly gave this one a long go. I think i still believe in God 96% of the time, i'm just not convinced that the bible is very accurate, or the church is very holy (or even very good and helpful), or that God really cares very much about what he created.
You know, for the most part, i'm actually much happier with out this burden of faith. No longer does my life seem like some ridiculously long string of lessons that i never wanted to learn. sometimes bad stuff just happens and there is no lesson to learn. other times its our own fault and we'd better learn that lesson or we'll repeat it.
the only weird thing is that I occasinally feel like fate is still guiding my life. but i don't mean in the mushy christian sentimental way. More like the inevitable viking way. I moved down to abbotsford because i felt like God wanted me to. Although now the 2 reasons i moved down seem to have not worked out very well. Still, i'm glad to be down. I feel that for the time being... life... generally is going my way... despite many obsticles i've had.
the truth is i've kept this secret for so long, simply because i was in love with a christian girl. she doesn't love me, but thats not the point. I've never really believed that she ever would... thats not the point either. The point is, i still believed in my head that as long as she didn't know, there was always that minute possiblity of fate or divine intervention. Although, the truth is always better. Its just not easier. I'm probably only confessing now, cause i don't feel anything for her anymore. I don't really want to have that 'talk' with all my christian friends. I'm not interested in having prayer sessions with them. I don't want to be invited to your silly church services. I just want to live my life - if god wants me back, he'll come find me... like that parable of the shepherd who goes after the 1 out of 99. Although, to be honest, i've never seen it happen, not in church and not in real life. Good story though, full of moral fibre.
anyways got to go.
Z
I'm not really a christian, i don't think i have been for close to 2 years, or maybe more like a year and a half... i started losing my faith somewhere around 4rth year of bible school, but it never really dawned on me that i just don't buy the whole system anymore until after i graduated. I wanted so hard to believe, but no matter how much i tried, how hard i prayed, too many things just didn't make sense to me. I have a mind where i can't force myself to believe things that don't make sense to me forever. Although i tried. I certianly gave this one a long go. I think i still believe in God 96% of the time, i'm just not convinced that the bible is very accurate, or the church is very holy (or even very good and helpful), or that God really cares very much about what he created.
You know, for the most part, i'm actually much happier with out this burden of faith. No longer does my life seem like some ridiculously long string of lessons that i never wanted to learn. sometimes bad stuff just happens and there is no lesson to learn. other times its our own fault and we'd better learn that lesson or we'll repeat it.
the only weird thing is that I occasinally feel like fate is still guiding my life. but i don't mean in the mushy christian sentimental way. More like the inevitable viking way. I moved down to abbotsford because i felt like God wanted me to. Although now the 2 reasons i moved down seem to have not worked out very well. Still, i'm glad to be down. I feel that for the time being... life... generally is going my way... despite many obsticles i've had.
the truth is i've kept this secret for so long, simply because i was in love with a christian girl. she doesn't love me, but thats not the point. I've never really believed that she ever would... thats not the point either. The point is, i still believed in my head that as long as she didn't know, there was always that minute possiblity of fate or divine intervention. Although, the truth is always better. Its just not easier. I'm probably only confessing now, cause i don't feel anything for her anymore. I don't really want to have that 'talk' with all my christian friends. I'm not interested in having prayer sessions with them. I don't want to be invited to your silly church services. I just want to live my life - if god wants me back, he'll come find me... like that parable of the shepherd who goes after the 1 out of 99. Although, to be honest, i've never seen it happen, not in church and not in real life. Good story though, full of moral fibre.
anyways got to go.
Z
posted by Davey Jones at
8:11 pm
4 Comments:
:) i will update soon, homework and projects have me bogged down
Hi, my name is Ashley. I don't know if you know me or not, I don't think I have ever left a comment on your blog before.
I recently wrote a blog that included a chunk of one of your posts, I do hope that is alright.
http://boughtbythebloodofthelamb.blogspot.com/
I kind of know what your going through. So umm, ya I don't know why I commented, I just saw you had said no one ever reads your blogs so I thought I would prove you wrong :P
Have a good day :)
Zen, all I can say is.. I think that if I am pursuing God with an honest heart, it does not matter the fashion in which it manifest's itself.. it is the heart behind that act of pursuing I would think he'd be concerned with..
I still seek God with all my heart, I just don't justify that search before anyone else but God. And I try to keep the Big 2; Love God, love my neighbour. Anything beyond that and I want a Lawyer lol...
I might be wrong about it all though... so take my words with a grain of salt.. mmmm sallllllllt....
I miss you steve, and i admire that your not afraid to tackle the heart of the post head on. I also admire your the only christian friend i have who still cares enough to write something.
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