3 weeks

so sorry for all of you i haven't seen much of or talked to much in the past couple weeks. i've been thinking about you guys and missing you and not really going out of my way to make any contact.

i'm sad to inform you all that I think i'm single again. basically, we haven't finished talking it through yet... but the gist is that starsha is still in love with her exboyfriend, and i for one feel that it is right for us to not date so that she can figure out her feelings and sort things out in her head. and I do this with the understanding that she'll probably get back together with him in this time we are taking off. i'm not heart broken cause well, i never fell in love with her, that is somethign I had assumed would happen over time, and i'm glad to bring things to a finish before I really did fall for her. i'm glad I handled it like a mature adult, its nice for me to think that I was smart enough to realise she was still in love with this guy, and that she needed some time to think things through. Its also nice that - the fact that she will probably get back together with her boyfriend during this time - doesn't drive me crazy with jealousy, infact it hardly even bothers me. only a little. and that little actually has more to do with me that her. everytime you enter a new relationship, there is always that hope inside that it will blossom into something more, that you'll fall in love, be the perfect match, and live happily ever after. of course when this doesn't happen, regardless of the reasons, its always a bit of a disapointment. even if the reasons make sense. even if you knew it wasn't meant to be there is still that part of you that says, "maybe it was" or "maybe it will still work out in the future". and another part of you that says "grow up".

i've had this thought wandering around inmy head for a couple months now. I've been thinking that God has purposfully been keeping me single because I still have something big and great to do, that I would't get done if I was in love or in a relationship. its a bit of a hard pill to swallow, and but also surprising cheerfull. i know that if I was in a relationship come fall, I probably wouldn't goto racing school, I would probably be living in the same city as whoever I was in love with, struggling to make ends meet just to be near her. I probably wouldn't be willing to goto japan or someother country to teach english because I would probably be too busy trying to make her happy and help her through school or whatever to make things work. i would probably be losing myself in an attempt to find her. I would be weighed down with the worries of the world instead of out in the world learning about life, love and myself. not to say that you can't do those things in a relationship, just that the timing has to be right, the place and the person have to be right. i need to goto racing school in the fall otherwise I 'll never be happy wondering what might have been. I may need to goto japan or somewhere else in the spring, just to see, just to be, somewhere else.

i need a vacation, I need to get away, I need to clear my head.
I also need work and money.